Was that a fart? Nope.

I've been away from the second job for a couple weeks.  But I was SO GLAD to return today.  Because if I hadn't have been there today I wouldn't be able to share this:

This may come as a surprise to some of you, (and others probably not), but secretly I am the most immature child inside my grown up body.  And sometimes on really busy days at the store I will find crazy hysterical humor in farting silently and listening to the family at the lane behind me blame it on each other.  Its kind of payback for them being whiny bitches.  My dad says that when I was a child a I could just fart at will, good news dad, still got the talent.  And I am not ashamed to say it can be put to use when necessary.  However today it was not me. 

I was about twenty minutes into my four hour shift when I was helping a delightful woman.  She was chatting me up as I was scanning her items and then suddenly she just stopped being so chatty.  That's when the smell arrived.   And again, it was not me.  I thought to myself, "i think this woman is gassy".  She kind of looked uncomfortable like the "heartburn, upset stomach, diarrheeeeeea" commercial people.  I thought to myself "was that a fart? nope nope its too strong, too potent smelling".  Then the smell got really belligerent.  My nose had been violated and I had learned from experience that smells like this warrant the sealing of the mouth as to not taste the smell.  THEN I realized that the person with the woman had smelt it too and looked embarrassed, and the person behind the woman in line was looking really offended.  When I was done scanning her groceries the woman kindly paid and then scurried, not hurried, (scurried - like a little mouse trying to dart through the other mice to get to the cheese first) towards the exit.  I kind of watched her before I greeted the next person.  I said "hey, hows it goin?" and the customer responded "well great, I'm pretty sure that lady just sharted" at which I thought to myself "that explains a lot". 

The End.

Looking Like A Fool With Your Pants On The Ground!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.


I was at work on a short night shift in the middle of the week.  Now that I think about it, that is probably why the subject of this tale was doing her shopping.  Late at night, no one really around.  Not too many people would have to smell her. 

It was around 11:45 and my shift ended at midnight.  I was cleaning up my check stand.  You know, the usual, sanitizing the belts, replenishing my bags, cleaning up the trash.  I did notice the woman.  I noticed her because as I was watching her get her groceries I thought to myself, "no overweight short stout woman should ever wear baggy sweatpants that low.  They were slipping down just while she was standing there.  I could see the creases that could possibly be leading to her "business".  Anyway I went about what I was doing and I had walked away from my lane for a moment and on my way back I saw it.  That poor womans pants were on the ground.  No underwear.  Goodness gracious it was a site.  She squat down as fast as a short stout overweight woman could and snatched her pants back up and then looked around to see if anyone had caught the show.  Realizing that I had seen her mishap she really didn't look too embarrassed and I made no face to make her feel any different.  The worst part was as I was passing by her to go back to my lane she had been tucking all of her skin back into her pants.  You know what I mean, moving her hand in and out of her pants securing her pants around her waistline. But the smell that came wafting out of her pants as I snuck by was unforgettable.  Even now, weeks later, I can recall it specifically because I am sure that a small film of her stank covered my whole face including inside my mouth.  It was the most rank dismay in the va-jay-jay I have ever encountered.  What was I to do? I couldn't do anything to protect myself. No one is protected from that kind of violation.  It is such a shame.  So I grabbed my cash box and as soon as I was out of site I rinsed out my mouth and scraped my tongue with a paper towel. 

After getting over the trauma of the experience, I had a few good laughs.  But really I just feel bad for her.  That poor woman probably has no idea how badly she smells.  She is probably one of those women that smells a 70 dollar bottle of your favorite perfume and thinks to herself "gross! that stinks! i would never wear that awful smell".  Oh poor woman, wherever you are, I hope you are happy, healthy, have found a shower and a large bottle of Summer's Eve..... and some pants that fit.

HairNet Boy!

So I get to work today and enter the break room and the only people in there are me, another girl, a nice looking young man and HairNet Boy. HairNet Boy is tall, lanky, he's wearing a hat over his hairnet and is in need of Proactiv treatment more than I can tell you.
At first all I really recognize is that HairNet Boy is talking with smooth excitement while the other young man is looking neither amuzed nor interested. I finally hone in on the conversation and realize that HairNet Boy is talking himself up quiet a bit. I hear "check this out, so this girl sees me and she talks to me a little bit cuz we haven't seen eachother in awhile and she was so interested in me that she hunted me down on Facebook and she friend requested me. She said how great it was to run into me and I look better than she remembers. So now I got her blowing me up all the time. But the funny thing is that I got two other girls hitting me up too. And all three of them want me to take them out to the same place. I mean I can't take all three of them out at the same time. I mean I could afford to but I just can't do it. I got girlz all over the place man. I can barely handle it." By this time I am heading out. The other girl has already ditched the atmosphere and I can tell by his expression that the young man has lost all interest in HairNet Boy.
After a few minutes I'm on my checkstand and I look across to the deli area because I hear someone cracking up so obnoxiously that there were snorts coming out that you only hear at 4H competitions and it happens to be HairNet Boy.
I think to myself, "oh yeah, HairNet Boy, you do look better than ever, us ladies are all after you. I just can't resist guys with fast food grease simmering all over their faces while serving slices of pizza and ice cream cones and of course wearing hairnets. That really..... REALLY gets me going."

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Another day another dollar

I'm headed to the store for the day. I have a funny feeling that some interesting sightings are in my future.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Mobile test

Testing testing 1 2 3

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Some catching up to do.

My first day at the store was August 2, 2011.  On my first day on the check stand I had a lady come through swearing to me that she bought almost everything in the store.  My response to her was "dont worry, its a big store.  I'm sure you didn't by everything".  Three overloaded carts later and a bill of SEVEN HUNDRED dollars I was actually wondering if she really did buy out several sections of the store.  I haven't seen a bill that big since then.

I do not really have any friends at the store.  I was one of twelve hired in my group and I only speak to two of the other eleven.  One lady who looks to be an Islander of some sort and I really like her because she is so nice and she always has a flower in her hair.  The other is a boy who is 19, gay, and has recently made his way here from Columbia.  He is the most adorable boy ever.  And I am not sure why I think so, because honestly when I listen to him I wonder why I am so intrigued.  Is it because he is from Columbia? Is it because he is gay? Is it because he dates a flight attended 14 years older than he is? Is it because he is so young and full of life?  What is it?  At any rate, he is super nice to me and he is a friendly familiar face when I show up to work.  And he makes me laugh.  Moving forward he will be referred to as The Columbian. 

I have never blogged before so I am not sure of how the flow of stopping and starting should go.  Please bare with me while I get it down. 

Introductions

I am newly a checker at a grocery store in the evenings and on weekends.  Some of the stories I have from different observations are so odd and funny that the ladies at my day job suggested I start a blog.  It seems as though others in the world may find humor from my hours spent behind the check stand.

For the record, during the day time I have a boring bank job at a not so big credit union in a not so big area with some really great co-workers.  I am sure there will be a tale or two from behind the teller line as well. 

So please feel free to enjoy the stories.